Monthly Archives: April 2015

Nintendo Direct 01/04/15 – An open letter to Nintendo

Dear Nintendo,

I prefix this by saying how I love you dearly. Mario Kart Double Dash is my jam. Mario and Zelda have sustained me for eons. I am a self-professed Nintendo fanboy. However, what on Earth was that direct?!

You’ve been using Nintendo Directs to show us all the amazing stuff that I have to pre-order since before you spurned E3, because it was too mainstream. I eagerly await every one, but I have never been more disappointed with a Direct as I was tonight.

Firstly, Mewtwo DLC dates. Yay to that. Something that was rumoured and I really badly needed. But then, you had to go and break my heart by introducing Lucas. Of all the characters from Brawl that I wanted to see return, Lucas wasn’t even bottom. He was in the chasm reserved for only the most awful ideas that Smash occasionally gets lumped with. Bring back ANYONE but Lucas. How about, oh I don’t know, SNAKE? Even Squirtle or Ivysaur, but not flipping Lucas! You did make me less ranty by announcing the Smash poll, but sadly Tingle will probably win that and I’ll feel like a Koolah-Limpahing loser by voting for Travis Touchdown.

Then, the Amiibos. My God, the Amiibos. Of the first five games, every single one had either Amiibo support, new Amiibos or DLC announced, or in some cases, all three. Splatoon, the game I’m most looking forward to this year, gets lumped with bloody Amiibos that block off certain items unless you have them. WHY? I get that there’s a need for making money, but don’t put something in a game and then stop me having it because I haven’t got a fecking piece of plastic with a 10p NFC sticker on it.

This Direct also suffered from the fact that there were way too many games that I have never heard of or care to hear about. There was a solid 15 minute section where I considered switching off the patchy stream that was provided on the official site and going back to playing one of your fine, original, Amiibo-less games. I actually walked out the room to inform Mark of how terrible it was so far, and I’ve never considered walking out of a Direct before, even when you talk about obscure games that are being ported or that time when I accidentally watched the American stream.

By my count, there were Amiibos made of wool, Amiibos of a game that hasn’t even been released or gives me any emotional attachment to it (despite the bloody awesome looking multiplayer, Splatoon) and a wave of about twenty new Amiibos, as well as Animal Crossing cards for that new game that takes all the good bits out of ACNL, like being a brutal dictator and making those animals work for you and frigging costumes for 69p for your Mii on Smash. Now, forgive me if I’m wrong, but did I wake up in a world where Smash had become Team Fortress 2?

The crowning moment of awful though was the StreetPass Mii Plaza announcements. I’ll admit to having bought the Rock-Paper-Scissors game, because it looked fun, and it is. But who in their right mind thought that anyone would care enough to buy f-ing StreetPass Fishing? Sure, the Zombie game looks kind of endearing, but it’s not enough to make me actually buy it. And then, the announcement of an optional VIP room and the ability to see people’s birthdays, for those times when you want to wish the person you’re never likely to meet again a Happy Birthday, or those times when looking on Facebook to see when your friends turn another year older isn’t enough, for the low low price of £4.49! What a bargain! Sign me up for 25 immediately!

Sure, we got the date for Mario Kart 8’s second (AWESOME LOOKING) DLC pack coming out. Yeah, it’s earlier than expected. Yeah, it comes with a free update that entitles you to 200cc races now. Yeah, they replaced Monty Moles with Mr Resetti. But is it enough to satisfy this fanboy? Not really. The surprises from MK8 were the diamond in this ball of a direct, firmly in the rough.